Monotone

I feel restless. It makes me feel uneasy, because I wish to do work but can't. I am unable to concentrate and therefore will not get any work done. Whenever this happens, I try to distract myself with TV, the Internet. I try to find someone whom I can chat with. To while away the time. So that when I look at the clock, it is time for bed. Then I won't have to worry about not having done the work. I can go to sleep.

But today, I can find no distractions. I go online, log onto my chat accounts, but find no one. I check my email, and find nothing I can respond to. I send out a text message, but get no response. I am near to my death with boredom. I wish there was something I can do to make the time go by faster. I wish this will all end.

How does an atheist live with a Christian? Can they live together? I start to think of random things, things which I cannot find a solution to. Will an atheist marry a Christian? Will a Christian marry an atheist? A Christian may choose to marry an atheist because of the possibility that the atheist may one day because a Christian. An atheist who marries a Christian, will the atheist think about the possibility of the Christian giving up the faith and become an atheist? What if the atheist converts into a Christian while the Christian decides to abandon the religion. Does that mean the two of them are back to square one? No, there is a distinct change in this situation.

I sit in darkness typing out all these. All these. I have all but given up writing stories. I do not know the purpose of doing that anymore. I am turning towards poems. I am experimenting with poems, with the play of words, with wit. With humour, with irony. With the human. I wish I can stop writing, but I cannot not write. I have to write. It sustains me, makes me feel a-live. It is what keeps me here. I need to write. It is no good. There are just so many things so many distractions. I am no good. There are so many things swimming around demanding my attention. I don't know where to start. Sometimes, I feel my mind moving in this abstract random way, from left to right to left to right. It does not have a destination, it just keeps moving, and there is no focus. I just let it move. It moves, expands, contracts. It does not ask me for permission, for directions. I take a deep breath. I am still alive.

I shift from point to point. What is it that I am looking for? I try to think purposefully. There is nothing I wish to do, specifically, there is nothing there I want. I try to want something. I know there is nothing I want. I wish I can come up with something to write, something that will make me feel like this writing is worthwhile. But there is nothing. There is nothing. I don't know what else I can do. I have tried everything. Everything. There is nothing. There is nothing I can do. I can do nothing. What is the purpose of all this? What am I hoping that I will find?

I look out the window and I see light. The light is coming from the corridor. I cannot turn the light off. It turns itself off in the morning. Before the sunlight comes up. It turns off before we get out of the house to work, to school. It is always switched on at night. I wish I can turn the light off. I look out the window, and I can see darkness afar. Everything is eaten up by darkness, there are shadows everywhere. The air is still, very still. I take a deep breath. The air does not have a smell. It is hard to pay attention to the details in the air because of my restlessness. I wish there is something I can do to make myself less uncomfortable. I am breathing in a short, shallow way. I want to take deep breaths, but my breathing is very shallow. I can feel myself getting tired, my brain getting slower. I wish I can stay clear. There is no focus, except this piece of writing that I am doing. What is good is that I can pay attention to what I am doing, even though I may not like it. I can pay attention, and that is all I need to know.

There is no need to pretend. Just let it out. I am feeling restless. There is nothing I can do. I wish I can do something to make it better. I wish I can feel better, but I cannot. I can only focus and think about something else. I distract myself to feel better, but the distraction makes me uncomfortable. I wish I was someone else.